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Fwd: FW: The Bishop
> A Priest wanted to earn money for his church. He has heard there was
> money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it
> in the races.
>
> However at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep
> and the Priest ended up buying a donkey.
>
> The Priest figured since he had the donkey he might as well enter it
> in the races. The donkey came in third. The following day in the Racing
>forms the headlines appeared: "Priest's Ass Shows".
>
> The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered the donkey in
> the races the next day also. The donkey won!!! The Racing form headlines
> read: "Priest's Ass Out In Front".
>
> The Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the
> Priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines read:
> "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass".
>
> The Priest mentioned the episode in a posting he did to a Newsgroup on
> the Internet. This resulted in the headline, "Priest's Ass On Line."
>
> This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Priest to get rid of
> the donkey. The Priest gave the animal to the nearby Convent. The
> following day the headlines in the newspaper read: "Nuns Have Best Ass
> In Town".
>
> The Bishop fainted. He ordered the Nuns to get rid of the animal. So
> they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the paper read: "Nuns
> Peddle Ass for Ten Bucks".
>
> They buried the Bishop. The following day the headlines read: "Bishop
> Died From Too Much Ass".
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------
>
>
>
>February 6, 1998
>
>A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
>obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit. editor
>informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She
>pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown
>died."
>
>Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7
>word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing
>over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown
> died: 1983
>Pickup for sale."
>
>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>30 Minutes to a Cleaner House
>
>You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL
>YOU DO?
>
>Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping
>Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of
>housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
>
>However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret
>Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
>
>
>SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
>If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less 30
>minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who
>tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and
>can't find the key.
>
>Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION:
>It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
>
>Time: 2 seconds
>
>
>SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
>No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for
>plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths,
>clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
>
>Time: 2-3 minutes
>
>
>SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
>If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent
>at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a
>great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about
>anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
>
>Time: 2 minutes
>
>
>SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
>Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable
>objects here.
>
>Time: 2.5 minutes
>
>
>SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
>Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
>
>Time: 3 minutes
>
>
>
>SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
>No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust
>ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate
>the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's
>highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under
>the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
>
>Time: 4 minutes
>
>
>SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
>The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you
>can dust around.
>
>Time: 3 minutes
>
>
>SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
>Don't use them. Use plastic and you won't have to.
>
>Time: 1 minute
>
>
>SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
>This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this
>teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen
>discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you
>turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
>
>CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't
>care if they get in a car wreck.
>
>Time: 3 seconds
>
>
>SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
>If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair
>does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use
>the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it
>really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the
>30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
>
>Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
>
>
>SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
>Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look.
>Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no
>one looks there anyway.
>
>Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
>
>
>
>SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
>The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad
>lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
>
>Time: 10 seconds
>
>
>SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
>Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are
>made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of
>a lifetime.
>
>Time: 0
>
>
>SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
>Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
>
>Time: 1 minute
>
>
>SECRET TIP 15:
>If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about
>inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>
>Dating Dictionary
>
>ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular
>person.
>
>LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
>entirely choosy people meet.
>
>DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
>and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
>especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
>the future.
>
>BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
>special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
>repulsive men.
>
>EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
>morals of a man.
>
>EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
>man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,
>many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
>necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
>woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
>
>FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
>has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
>
>INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to
>by the man as "playing hard to get."
>
>INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do
>all the talking.
>
>IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that
>initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few
>months together.
>
>LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is
>directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
>
>NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often
>than he does.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>
>"THE CLICHE EXPERT TESTIFIES ON LOVE"
>(by Frank Sullivan in The Best of Modern Humor)
>
>Q: Mr. Arbuthnot, as an expert in the use of the cliche, are you
>prepared
> to testify here today regarding its application in topics of sex,
> love, matrimony, and so on?
>
>A: I am.
>
>Q: Very good. Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, what is love?
>
>A: Love is blind.
>
>Q: Good. What does love do?
>
>A: Love makes the world go round.
>
>Q: Whom does a young man fall in love with?
>
>A: With the Only Girl in the World.
>
>Q: Whom does a young woman fall in love with?
>
>A: With the Only Boy in the World.
>
>Q: When do they fall in love?
>
>A: At first sight.
>
>Q: How?
>
>A: Madly.
>
>Q: They are then said to be?
>
>A: Victims of Cupid's darts.
>
>Q: And he?
>
>A: Whispers sweet nothings in her ear.
>
>Q: Who loves a lover?
>
>A: All the world loves a lover.
>
>Q: Describe the Only Girl in the World.
>
>A: Her eyes are like stars. Her teeth are like pearls. Her lips are
> ruby. Her cheek is damask, and her form divine.
>
>Q: Haven't you forgotten something?
>
>A: Eyes, teeth, lips, cheek, form--no, sir, I don't think so.
>
>Q: Her hair?
>
>A: Oh, certainly. How stupid of me. She has hair of spun gold.
>
>Q: Very good, Mr. Arbuthnot. Now will you describe the Only Man?
>
>A: He is a blond Viking, a he-man, and a square shooter who plays the
> game. There is something fine about him that rings true, and he
> has kept himself pure and clean so that when he meets the girl of
> his choice, the future mother of his children, he can look her in
> the eye.
>
>Q: How?
>
>A: Without flinching.
>
>Q: Are all the Only Men blond Vikings?
>
>A: Oh, no. Some of them are dark, handsome chaps who have sown their
> wild oats. This sort of Only Man has a way with a maid, and there
> is a devil in his eye. But he is not a cad; he would not play fast
> and loose with an Only Girl's affections. He has a heart of gold.
> He is a diamond in the rough. He tells the Only Girl frankly about
> his Past. She understands--and forgives.
>
>Q: And marries him?
>
>A: And marries him.
>
>Q: Why?
>
>A: To reform him.
>
>Q: Does she reform him?
>
>A: Seldom.
>
>Q: Seldom what?
>
>A: Seldom, if ever.
>
>Q: Now, Mr. Arbuthnot, when the Only Man falls in love, madly, with
>the
> Only Girl, what does he do?
>
>A: He walks on air.
>
>Q: Yes, I know, but what does he do? I mean, what is it he pops?
>
>A: Oh, excuse me. The question, of course.
>
>Q: Then what do they plight?
>
>A: Their troth.
>
>Q: What happens after that?
>
>A: They get married.
>
>Q: What is marriage?
>
>A: Marriage is a lottery.
>
>Q: Where are marriages made?
>
>A: Marriages are made in Heaven.
>
>Q: What does the bride do at the wedding?
>
>A: She blushes.
>
>Q: What does the groom do?
>
>A: Forgets the ring.
>
>Q: After the marriage, what?
>
>A: The honeymoon.
>
>Q: Then what?
>
>A: She has a little secret.
>
>Q: What is it?
>
>A: She is knitting a tiny garment.
>
>Q: What happens after that?
>
>A: Oh, they settle down and raise a family and live happily ever
>
Those who live by the sword [email protected]
get shot by those who don't. KE4EIF