(joke) Atlanta's Traffic

[Heather Honerkamp <heather@mindspring.net>]

Atlanta's Traffic Rules

1.   A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how
many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in
the left lane, waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in
before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2.   Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real Atlanta
driver never uses them.

3.   Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by
someone  else, putting you in a more dangerous situation.

4.   Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is
considered "going with the flow."

5.   The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller your
chance you have of getting hit.

6.   Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork.

7.   Although it's a requirement to possess at least liability
insurance, this is, after all, Georgia, and we wouldn't want to
oppress anyone's freedom by actually expecting them to have
insurance.

8.   Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure
that your antilock brakes kick in, giving a nice relaxing foot massage.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

9.   Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately
after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

10.  The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there
to provide useful information. They are there only to make Atlanta
look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in
the median.

11.  Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a
good way to scare people entering the highway.

12.  Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions, and apparently are not enforceable at any time.

13.  Just because you are in the left lane and have no room to
speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Atlanta driver flashing his
high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your place.

14.  Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut
during rush hour in Atlanta.

15.  Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or
even someone changing a tire.

16.  Learn to swerve abruptly. Atlanta is the home of high-speed
slalom driving, thanks to the DOT and trash haulers, who place
potholes and debris in locations to test drivers' reflexes and
keep them on their toes.

17.  It is an Atlanta tradition to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.

18.  Never take a green light at face value. Always look left and
right before proceeding.

19.  Hurricanes, tornado's, ice, fog, torrential rain, and
tornadoes are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules.
These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection
process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

20.  Remember that the goal of every Atlanta driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.

21.  Atlanta drivers are not allowed to live anywhere close to
where they work.


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