Debate summary

[Robbie Honerkamp <robbie@opus.shorty.com>]

>  For those who don't have time to watch the
>  presidential debate, I've prepared
>  this transcript of what will be said:
>
>  Jim Lehrer:    Welcome to the second presidential debate between
>  Vice President Al Gore and Gov.  George W.  Bush.
>  The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will
>  ask a question.  The candidate will ignore the
>  question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
>  appeal to undecided women voters.
>  The opponent will then have one minute to respond
>  by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
>  for him.       When a speaker's time has expired,
>  I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
>  incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
>
>
>  Let's start with the vice president.  Mr.  Gore, can
>  you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and
>  then tell us his or her story in a way that strains
>  the bounds of common sense?
>
>  Gore:  As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
>  tenderly made love the way we have so often during
>  the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
>  downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
>  My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1
>  percent of Americans.  I, on the other hand, want to
>  put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so
>  they can't hurt old people like Roberta
>  Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
>  Mrs.  Frampinhamper has been selling her internal
>  organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can
>  travel to these debates and personify problems for
>  me.  Also, her poodle has arthritis.
>
>  Lehrer:    Gov.  Bush, your rebuttal.
>
>  Bush:     Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
>  people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo
>  opportunity exists.
>  I want to empower those crying people to make their
>  own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is
>  not Barbara Bush.
>
>  Lehrer:   Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov.  Bush, if
>  Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return
>  to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
>  pronounce his name?
>
>  Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal
>  with that guy and didn't get it done.  If I'm elected, the first
>  thing I would do about
>  that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies.  And then Dick
>  would present me several options for dealing with that guy.  And then Dick
>  would tell me which one to choose.  You know, as governor of Texas, I
>  have to make
>  tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal
>  with New Mexico.
>
>  Lehrer:  Mr.  Gore, your rebuttal.
>
>  Gore:  Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
>  I served my country in Vietnam.  I had an uncle who was a victim of
>  poison gas
>  in World War I.  I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War.  And when
>  that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way 
>  that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.  If I'm entrusted with
>  the office of president,
>  I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by
>  putting it in an ironclad
>  lockbox.  Because the American people deserve a  president who can comfort
>  them with simple metaphors
>
>  Lehrer:   Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social 
>  Security system?
>
>  Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim.  That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
>  proposed changing the laws of
>  mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without
>  having it cost the federal
>  treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits
>  $60 trillion over
>  the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
>  delivered free to their
>  homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the
>  child-proof cap.
>
>  Lehrer:    Gov.  Bush?
>
>  Bush:   That's fuzzy math.  I know, because as governor of
>  Texas, I have to do math every day.  I have to add up the numbers and decide
>  whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt.  36 east of Abilene or commit
>  funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
>
>  Lehrer:   It's time for closing statements.
>
>  Gore:   I'm my own man.  I may not be the most exciting politician, but
>  I will fight for the working
>  families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a
>  lusty pit of marital love for
>  Tipper and me.
>
>  Bush:   It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by
>  electing no one but Republicans.
> 
>  Lehrer:    Good night.